Blogging has many unsuspected pitfalls, especially if typing is not up to scratch. I’m thinking I may have to get a new keyboard, as the five vowels have worn away and a number of the consonants too. I know that real typists don’t have to look at the letters but since I’ve never learned to type, I need to know where the letters are, and I often have to offer myself alternatives as I move blindly from one blank key to the next.
I pressed the send button too late the other day to stop a reply going out starting:” Hell Liz”. I’m onto it now, but fear there may have been other unfriendly bloopers emanating from this e-mail. What surprises me is how many words become insulting or obscene, with just one little misprint, or a key mis-hit.
Hello with the O left off is one thing, but I was shocked to re-read a comment and find I’d misspelt ‘friend’, and with the R left out it had become ‘fiend’. Since I was referring to a friend’s boy friend which had also come out with a typo reading ‘bog’, a ‘bog-fiend’ could have meant trouble. I was also commenting to this friend on ‘coping’ with her sick horse, which came out as ‘doping.’ And a comment was just saved in the nick of time, when I discovered that instead of writing ‘bigger’, I had typed U instead, while in another comment, I thought I’d written I was ‘touched’, but it came out as ‘toughed’.
One of the problems is that the writing for comments is so small I can hardly see it, and when trying to correct my inaccurate typing, too often I make a mess worse. It takes me hours to compose a properly spelt, polite comment with all typos and un-intentional expletives deleted and then to dare to press the ‘Reply’ button.
When it comes to expletives, I am actually a world expert, having read the un-expurgated copies of President Nixon’s tapes. I was back in England staying with a school friend, and her husband who was a lawyer, had paid an enormous amount of money to buy the un-expurgated tapes when they came on the market. My eyes started out of my head when I tried to read them. We’d become used to newspaper reports of the infamous tapes, saying things like: “Send the expletive deleted – expletive deleted – another -expletive deleted instruction, then he’ll -expletive deleted- know what the – expletive deleted- it’s all about…
Until I read President Nixon’s prose, or rather conversation, I had no idea it was possible to swear in so many ways and in so many words. To misquote Winston Churchill: never in human history has one man used so many swear words, in so many ways, so frequently. However, I try to avoid this myself, in my blogs and comments.
But even the word ‘blog’ gets away from me, and I find myself correcting ‘glob’. Today’s variation was ‘blogal’ instead of ‘global’. However, when I want to cheer myself up I go to Spam, and reading the comments there makes me feel I’m a master both of English prose and of the keyboard.
How about this one, taken at random from a bulging spam file. The writer had read my post ‘Gaia Knows Us’ and this was his mind boggling response:
“I precisely wanted to appreciate you all over again. I’m not certain the things I would have worked on in the absence of these information discussed by you regarding this concern. It absolutely was a horrifying setting in my opinion, however, taking a look at this specialised mode you solved the issue forced me to jump for delight. Extremely happier for the service and in addition have high hopes you are aware of a great job you were putting in educating people today through your web site. I am sure you have never got to know any of us.”
Since the post ‘Blogging is The New Black’ came out, the spam file has been deluged with offers to sell jerseys, sweaters, Denver Bronco sweaters, jumpers with stitching that will not chafe or itch small children, Redskin jerseys, every sort of jersey, jumper, sweater, pullover, hoodie, from places all over the US. Fashionistas who require jerseys also seem to need many brands of makeup and also Ugg boots.
I’ve had hundreds of these jersey offers, including one which tells me that: “as soon as you arrive on campus report promptly to the office accountable for assisting international students and scholars and Billy Cunliffe Jerseys can be offered to eligible students who apply”… Presumably all these jerseys are black…as are the Ugg boots, judging by a message which read: ‘The things you need to understand about black Uggs!’ ( and who is BIlly Cunliffe?)
These jersey offers are considerably less disturbing to my peace of mind and self-esteem than the ones which tell me, a propos of ‘Writing for Survival’ – “this is kinda boring”. And advise me to go to Yahoo for some good headline ideas. Or after the story on the Sixties, some bright young thing asked: “What would you think of writing about interesting things?”
It feels like reading school reports when I see “Try to improve your posts so they can be more detailed”, written a propos of ‘A Soldiers Life’, and another comment on the post about the Sixties: “I’m trying to understand more about this. Can you explain it clearer?” On the other hand I had that timid glow that faint praise from the head-mistress invoked in the past, when I read: “I really believe you will do much better in the future.”
As I pick myself up after these blighting assessments, I decide I’m better off staying in my own narrow, boring little world rather than venturing into the big cruel world of Spam where obviously all the bright young people live, where they dress in black Ugg boots, and Redskin jerseys in black, wear lots of make-up, and speak in a secret language which only they can make sense of. (They also seem to need a lot of Viagra)
In the mean-time I’ll struggle on with my secret language which has no vowells and no T and no R and no H or D on the keyboard. And I hope you’ll understand when I make a comment saying “Hell Jan, a bog fiend has a bugger glob that is very toughing and going blogal, but is still doping”.
( translation: Hello Jan, a boy friend has a bigger blog that is very touching and going global, but is still coping)
Food for Threadbare Gourmets
My version of ratatouille was on the menu last night. Himself had it with a lamb chop, I had it as is. I love it! The classic recipe has aubergines and peppers in it as well as tomatoes, but since, on behalf of my arthritis, I avoid stuff from the nightshade family, rather than have three forbidden hits, I leave out the aubergines. I substitute courgettes and mushrooms
After heating some olive oil, I simply chop and saute an onion untill soft, add some chopped mushrooms, chopped red and yellow peppers, followed by courgettes, and then lots of chopped tomatoes. I cook them all until soft, and remove the tomato skins as I go along. It usually needs topping up with more olive oil as it progresses. I might add a squeeze or so of tomato puree at the end, and of course, salt and black pepper. It’s all the better for sitting around, and can be eaten hot or cold. When I’m having it as a meal, I sprinkle freshly grated parmesan over it – lavishly – and mop up the juices with some warm crusty bread… a glass of wine also assists with the digestion of course!!!
Food for Thought
Beyond the night…
Somewhere afar, some
White tremendous daybreak…
Rupert Brooke 1887 – 1915 English poet
valeriedavies 
I am famous for typing “husbland” when I mean “husband.” My “husbland” doesn’t think it is funny. Oh, and he isn’t bland by any means!
LikeLike
Fame is a many-splendoured thing!
LikeLike
Lovely, lovely, lovely. Love the recipe idea too!! Your writing is so wonderful. And those typo’s can be a *expletive* huh? Very well done, and a joy to visit here!
LikeLike
Lovely to hear from you, thank you so much for enjoying the fun!, please come again!
LikeLike
😀 when doping is coping … haha!
LikeLike
You are quick aren’t you!!!!
LikeLike
You are not alone!!!!
LikeLike
You too, dear Bruce! I laughed out loud at your blog this morning when I saw your desk! very very funny – and I know – tragic too
Sorry to hear about your wife’s back, but if it slows you all down, its a good thing, as you say…
LikeLike
Love this, it made me giggle … and it also made me remember a time I was typing an email for a friend’s daughter and instead of signing her off “Your friend Nat” I typed “Your fried Bat” and then pressed send before I noticed! You are definitely not alone 🙂
LikeLike
Love it Dory. Someone sent me an e-mail the other day which started ‘we are always on the loo.’..Since he was buying a French dining table from me, I thought this was distinctly kinky, but anyway, I replied to him. He’s just answered, having seen his original letter at the bottom of my reply, and said he’d actually written’ we’re always on the look-out for French furniture!’
LikeLike
the send button should have a warning — reread before sending or posting comment
LikeLike
You’re so right. Should we contact Sharechair and see if she can do something about it? With all her influence in the computer world, she’d know just who could fix it!
LikeLike
you have the perfect solution!
LikeLike
Dear Valerie – we love your thoughtful comments, and if there have been bloopers, I haven’t seen them! There is nothing at all narrow or boring about your little spam free world 🙂
LikeLike
Alarna Rose, I could give you a hug ! Thank you for your sweet words..
I’m glad you too inhabit my little spam free world XXX
LikeLike
I don’y kmow whst yuo mean. My typong is alwats perdect.
LikeLike
Yiu dont now how lucky yolu are, nut,as you cn see i;m egtting there
LikeLike
We live in a world of spam, noise and demanding voices! I come to your blog for refreshing humour and thoughtful dialogue!! I always leave with a smile and a promise to return….
LikeLike
That’s lovely, and I love your thoughtful comments too, and I hope you have many happy returns…
LikeLike
Glad it’s not just me!
LikeLike
So you too belong to our happy band of blooping bloggers!
LikeLike
I do not feel so alone now.
LikeLike
I’m so glad dear Alice. We’re all in this together
LikeLike
So you too belong to our happy band of blooping bloggers!
LikeLike
LOL. Really enjoyed this, Valerie. As Alice says, I don’t feel so alone now either.
LikeLike
Yes, it sounds as though we’re all in this together, to my surprise!
LikeLike
Valerie,
That was very funny. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who wears the letters off my keyboard. I wish they made them to stay on and last. Usually, I resort to cutting out sticky lables and pasting them on the blank keys until I finally break down and buy a new keyboard because I get tired of replacing the sticky labels every month.
Sunni
LikeLike
Hello Sunni – glad you enjoyed it… I had been thinking of painting the letters back on, or sticking.. so am glad you told me it doesn’t work!
My daughter gave me this ergonomically designed keyboard, so I hope I can find another…Give the cats a rub behind the ears for me….
LikeLike
Thanks for a good laugh, Valerie! I’m paranoid about these kind of mistakes, yet still do it! As for spam, I wrote on depression a couple of times, and am forever getting offers for all kinds of horrible pills! I’d prefer Uggs, think.Thanks again!
LikeLike
Glad you had a good laugh Yaz – nothing I enjoy more than laughing my way to good health, so I hope yours has improved!!
As for Uggs – Ugh!
LikeLike
Not sure why we can’t edit replies, but I guess it does make us sit up and pause before hitting that button. I haven’t worn out the keyboard, but I have both a French and an English keyboard and there are a few letters in different places, it is interesting to see how quickly the brain adjusts to those letters, the q and a are reversed as are a few other letters, but I figure its a good brain exercise and the French keyboard a must with all those letters with accents, which I feel terrible writing on an English keyboard because I knowingly write the language with mistakes.
LikeLike
Yes, every time I type saute without an accent I worry….
On other other hand switching from different keyboards must be terribly good for your brain – a sort of anti- altzheimer exercise. They say learning a musical instrument is one of the best insurances against it.
I remember reading that book… can’;t think of the name ( altz) it had butterfly in the title about a paralysed Frenchman, who could only move his eye-lids, and he wrote the book by blinking… the person who took down his words worked out how often various letters were used in French, and then he blinked for the number of times… and E was one blink because that is used more often than any other letter in French, according to this book – butterfly and the bell.?.. can’t think of it now – too late at night here!
LikeLike
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, yes I remember, extraordinary book and then they even made a film of it. Well the e can be used on its own, or with an accent in either direction, so its almost like three letters in fact.
LikeLike
Just got it – the Butterfly and the Bell jar
LikeLike
Isn’t The Bell Jar Sylvia Plath’s poetry? Yes I think it is. You are getting closer though 🙂
LikeLike
In the old days of typewriters, my author husband used to call his, on a bad typo day, the tripe writer..?
LikeLike
I fear that is such an accurate definition that it could be used on a good day with me!
LikeLike
This was an incredibly humorous post, but yet, with a huge amount of substance; my favorite kind of post if I am being honest.
You are so right! Blogging is like stepping outside the house without checking yourself in the mirror first. Being a writer, misspelled or missing words are faux-pauxs that make me cringe. So you can imagine my horror when I go back to find that I commit this heinous crime on numerous occasions!
The auto-correct feature has a vendetta against me, I think . . . I almost certain it searches its database for the most embarrassing replacement word and chooses that one, all the while fiendishly tapping its virtual fingers together. Or, maybe I am paranoid, lol.
Thanks for the laugh!
~ Cara
LikeLike
I’ve almost given up using the spell checker, as it depends whether its an American version or an English or an Australian! If in doubt, I use an old fashioned dictionary!
LikeLike
Until I realized that spammers simply write bland nothings that are spread like feathers in a dust storm – without having placed even a glance on my post – I actually looked for a message in that nonsense.
I thoroughly enjoyed this post, Valerie. I’ve grateful to be a typist since the letters are also worn off my keys. My problem is dyslexia so am completely familiar with glob. In fact, I’ve read articles written with most words backwards and while I slow down, the comprehension is hardly affected! Until I did that little test, I hoped the condition was isolated to my fingers. Apparently not! Nard!
LikeLike
Nard indeed! Love it! I’m fine with a pen in my hand, it’s the keyboard that trips me up!
LikeLike
I’m not sure it would help, but, you may think of sticking small alphabet stickers to the keys of the keyboard.
i loved your post, it was hilarious. We should all be allowed typos, I for one am typing with one hand,I’m sure a typo will get away from me.
LikeLike
Thanks for commenting, thank you, glad you enjoyed it… I had no idea I was in such good company when I wrote it!
LikeLike
Great post! Sometimes I’m stunned by what I type when I really meant something else. Well, Said! CLAP CLAP APPLAUSE!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
http://deltacountyhistoricalsociety.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Thank you so much Linda, I’m amazed to find so many people have the same problem – I thought I was a freak of nature until now!
LikeLike
Funny. I do type by touch, but I also have long nails (partly fake). When I break a nail I can no longer type, strange thing that. I am so adjusted to the way my hands sit on my keyboard without my nails I am lost. I also have one of those oddly aligned keyboards, you know the ones that are supposed to be more natural? I love them but I have to go back and forth between my laptop and my natural keyboard at home, you should see the errors sometimes.
ah well. The thing is, we all make mistakes. Some of the are really quite funny. I have the mouth of a sailor, I think it comes from having so many brothers. I just try not to pepper my writing with it.
LikeLike
Yes, I have one of those keyboards, my daughter gave it to me, but I wish it had some sort of everlasting white paint on the letters, as I’m going to have to re-place it…I’m absolutely amazed at the comments, I had no idea I was one of the crowd… I’d even thought maybe I should call it A bloggers bloopers, in case good bloggers felt they were all being tarred with my brush… but it seems bloggers are as one when it comes to bloopers and typos!
LikeLike
This is just too funny, Valarie. All those bloopers and typos just reminds me to not take it all so seriously. I have seen replies that had typos only to see that the blogger quickly replied to the reply apologizing for the mistake in the first place. (We just can’t bear to think anyone would think we were “stupid.”) Heaven knows how many mistakes I have made.Thanks for the chuckle. Did I spell that right?
My son Brian often gets mail addressed Brain. so that’s what we call him.
LikeLike
What a wonderful re-inforcing name – Brain… It must have made a difference to his school marks! What ‘s surprized me about this post, is how we all seem to be in the same boat! Good to hear from you Lynne…
LikeLike
I am excited about the theme of this blog. Nice to discover you. With best wishes, Liana.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for visiting my blog, and for your friendly comments, I really appreciate your enthusiasm.
LikeLike
I have many horror moments… I agree with the HomeF/B –reread before sending. I just copied your version of ratatouille. Thanks!
LikeLike
great fun and a good laugh Val.
LikeLike
What a delight that was to read, made me chuckle out loud!
When I’m at my daughter’s I use her keyboard from which our lovely Grandson removed lots of keys when he was smaller and she wasn’t looking! I, too, have to watch what I write and with extra attention when there as it is so easy to make errors. I always read through before posting as I invariably find errors even when using my own keyboard. Thank heavens for the spell checker but it doesn’t find everything.
Love your ratatouille! 🙂
LikeLike
Hilarious! What a great post!
LikeLike
Thank you Victoria, it’s lovely to know that people have enjoyed this little joke!!!
LikeLike
My favorite is when ‘students’ comes out as ‘studnuts’!
LikeLike
Love it – how how appropriate !!!
LikeLike
You can definitely see your skills in the work you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart.
LikeLike