Follow your bliss, urged the great Joseph Campbell – this used to sound like heaven. Just doing everything you wanted!
Later – just slightly wiser- I supposed this heaven was probably self-actualization – which always sounded like one step below enlightenment, both impossible goals for the likes of me. But then I discovered that self-actualisation was not quite the Everest I had thought.
It was the need to be good, to be fully alive and to find meaning in life – according to Abraham Maslow, one of the grandfathers of personal growth. And yet according to him, all other needs like food, love etc had to be fulfilled before achieving the nirvana of being a free person – another ringing phrase of personal growth.
Research suggests that when people live lives which are different from their true nature and capabilities, they are less likely to be happy than those whose goals and lives match. So pursuing the elusive goal of this self-realisation means we feel more creative and happier, more ‘fully alive’, and ‘find meaning in life’.
And yet it seems to me that happiness isn’t the whole story, and fulfilling our needs isn’t either. Great souls like Nelson Mandela and Victor Frankl have been called self-actualising, and yet their needs can hardly be said to have been met in prison or concentration camp. But their capacity for living, love and forgiveness, wisdom and insight seem more saintly and more profound than the stories of many saints.
They both, like other so- called self-actualisers, had accepted who they were and where they were, and made the best of it, in giant, heroic terms. But self- actualising isn’t just for the heroic and the saintly, I discover, but can be for all of us. Maslow described the fulfilment of following such a path and as I understand it, his description of life as a fully- realised person would be something like this:
We would experience life like a child, with full absorption and concentration and joy and we’d try new things instead of sticking to safe paths; we’d listen to our feelings and inner voice instead being victim to habit and the voice of tradition, authority or the majority.
We’d dare to be ourselves – authentic, in Maslow’s word- and avoid pretence (‘game playing’). And we’d have the courage be unpopular if we didn’t agree with the views of the majority.
We’d take responsibility and work hard; and try to identify our ego defences and be brave enough to give them up, meaning to be honest with ourselves. This also means being vulnerable, which I don’t think Maslow mentions, but this to me, means having the courage to be tender and open hearted and to develop the capacity to feel deeply.
Apart from knowing that we are following our spiritual destiny in becoming the whole person we can be, the rewards seem to be a deeper enjoyment and engagement in life, a profound appreciation of the goodness of life, and therefore less stress and anxiety, and a genuine trust, in Mother Julian’s words, that all will be well.
It sounds like something we could all do, though when we have commitments to children, those duties have to be honoured first … otherwise becoming self – realised can seem more like self-centredness! Hindus recognise this stage of life as ‘householder’, before seeking their own ‘liberation’.
Those making this pilgrimage towards wholeness and authenticity often find that the path to freedom is not an easy one. That road less travelled may be pitted with puddles and pain-filled treks. And the person who’s throwing off the shackles of duty and listening to their inner voice may often be misunderstood or misinterpreted.
The stars that kept me on track as I have tried to walk this way were actually words from the sages and poets – and I have clung to them. From Ibsen’s belief in our ‘sacred duty’ to ourselves, to T.S. Eliot’s dictum that it is not our business what other people think of us, the words of literature – the logbook of the human race as one writer put it – pointed the way.
Trying to become a free person, letting go old self-defeating patterns of doubt and distrust, old fears – those critical inner voices that don’t serve us – means changing many things in our lives and in ourselves … and it’s not always obvious where this is taking us. Werner Erhard once said confusion led to a higher state of consciousness, a belief I have clung to, hoping it to be true!
These transitions take trust and courage and a belief in the goodness of Life. And I am learning that we have to listen to the voice of life and not be tempted by the easy way out – and never settle for less. To reach the end of our days and to realise that we had settled for less, for the sake of pleasing others or making life easier for ourselves, would be the ultimate betrayal of the gift of life.
Loyal, loving friends support us – where would we be without our friends? But in those dark moments which we all have to endure alone when we try to walk this path, the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer can sustain us.
She wrote: “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.” (Warning : this hurts !) One friend said to me: “I feel stripped”, as she picked her painful way along the path. And it’s only by staying fully conscious and hanging on to all our reserves of courage that we can reach the end of this road victoriously.
When we strike out, off the beaten track, it can push the buttons of others, living safe conventional lives, sticking to conservative values, and maybe not wanting to tread any but the known way – and maybe feeling uncomfortable when confronted with uncertainty or risk.
But to be free is to stride fearlessly into and through a cloud of unknowing – as the beautiful, extraordinary and self – actualised Helen Keller amazingly said: ‘If life is not an adventure then it is nothing at all’. So like so many others, I have had to step out of my constricted and uncomfortable comfort zone in order to be free. And just as Eliot said it’s not our business what others think of us, so he might also have said that we cannot expect to be understood either.
The words of another poet, Montrose, encourage travellers to find the courage to take what seem like huge steps into the unknown with his words:
He either fears his fate too much,
Or his deserts are small,
That puts it not unto the touch
To win or lose it all…
And so though while we are in process, we may think we have lost all to win all – or maybe in the words of the Spanish proverb – have taken what we wanted and paid for it – freedom is worth the price. It’s freedom from self-limiting beliefs and doubts and from compromising with our own truth and inner knowing. It’s daring to open our hearts, do the unthinkable, find new ways of being, connect with the beating heart of the world and know that when we take these terrible risks, somehow the universe supports us.
So yes, such a life is an adventure, and also laughter and love and truth and beauty, friends and fun. And now I think this is what Joseph Campbell may have meant when he said follow your bliss.
Food for threadbare gourmets
I’ve sometimes thought I could/should write a cookery book called a million ways with chicken – an exaggeration perhaps – but not far off!
I love chicken recipes, and this one I acquired over forty years ago from Clement Freud (yes, Sigmund’s grandson) when he was in his heyday.
It’s a cold mousse, and you need eight ounces of cooked, chopped chicken, two ounces of butter, three eggs, three ounces of fresh white breadcrumbs, three table spoons of dry sherry, quarter of a pint of single cream, salt and nutmeg.
Melt the butter in a large basin over a pan of boiling water. Pour in the cream and breadcrumbs, salt and a good pinch of nutmeg and stir for about five minutes until the mixture thickens. Beat the eggs and sherry together, and add to the basin, followed by the chopped chicken.
Pour this mixture into a buttered soufflé dish, cover with foil and bake in a moderate oven until firm – about half an hour. Let it cool before serving. Freud recommends serving it with a slightly garlicky mayonnaise with mashed avocado added, and for a really creamy texture stirring in a stiffly beaten egg-white.
It’s all rather delicate and delicious.
Food for thought
“Nobody can give you the meaning of your life.
It is your life, the meaning has also to be yours.
Nobody except you can come upon it.
It is your life and it is only accessible to you.
Only in living will the mystery be revealed to you.”
-Rajneesh
valeriedavies 
Hah. It’s a glass of vino, can of sardines with half an apple and cheese for lunch this Sunday. Agree with you though: there is no more versatile meat, surely, than chicken. And a roast chicken cooked well can’t be beaten by a damned thing.
That said, I’ve only read the recipe, better go read the rest of the post now.
LikeLike
Just looking at another blogger’s pic of her roast chicken for lunch, and had the same thought !!!
LikeLike
Read the post now.
One of your best.
LikeLike
Thank you Mark – a great compliment and much appreciated.
I must say, your wine and sardines sound idyllic in the setting in which you consumed them !!!!
LikeLike
Another wonderful piece, thanks so much Valerie. And as for the cookbook? YES PLEASE. I already have a folder containing many recipes from your blog and I would love to have your cook book – interspersed, of course, with some words of wisdom, anecdotes, memories etc. Could this be your next step? I hope so!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Elly, lovely to hear from you…I wasn’t serious about a cookbook, but maybe you’ve inspired me !!!!
LikeLike
I think for some of us self actualisation only comes with retirement and the time to follow the path and not conform.
A cookbook interspersed with little shots of wisdom sounds a great idea.
xxx Huge Hugs Valerie xxx
LikeLike
Thank you David, good to hear your words of wisdom ! I’m amazed at how everyone is picking up on the idea of a cookbook… I could see it happening in the fullness of time !
LikeLike
I too love the recipe book idea and Food for Thought would be the perfect title for recipes immersed in your words of wisdom.
These words were food for the soul – thank you. I think David might be right that the freedom to finally self actualise might come with retirement. I wish you well with yours.
By the way, the chicken tasted as good as it looked and some of the cold meat will find itself in your delicious sounding recipe. 🙂
LikeLike
What a wonderful idea Sally – Food for Thought… – so intriguing how everyone is picking up on the cookbook idea !
Ah yes, as you would know, picking one’s way along the Path is a challenge !
Hope you enjoy the chicken mousse…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Somehow, with all the pressure to conform to traditional, conservative roles I managed to move halfway around the world and have a life bigger than I had ever dreamed. If this doesn’t fit your description, with all the disapproval of others, balanced by following my inner voice, I don’t know what does. I had a lump in the my throat while reading most of this, and still do. It is one of life’s greatest joys to come a way down the road and realise it was the right road, after all. Beautifully conceived and written post, Valerie. I wonder, where has your bliss taken you these last weeks?
LikeLike
Yes, from reading your posts, I had a feeling that you would understand this post at a deep level, Ardys… interesting how we can always sense the path that others have walked.
I’m so glad it did mean something to you, and thank you for your lovely words.
You’ re prescient of course… my bliss is taking me on an extraordinary journey, which I will write about but not yet….
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for yet another thought and feeling-provoking post. Thanks too for introducing me to Oriah Mountain Dreamer and “The Invitation” from which you quoted.
LikeLike
Lovely to hear from you Ele… so glad you enjoyed the post… I value your opinion…
Yes, Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s Invitation is wonderful isn’t it.. I’ve sent it to so many friends….
LikeLike
Given my present state of confusion, I am destined for mind shattering levels of higher consciousness. 😉 I am glad you are following your bliss.
LikeLike
yes… well bliss takes time !!!
especially if it’s; as mind-shattering as yours !!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Food for both body and soul, the perfect recipe.
janet
LikeLike
Thank you Janet, lovely to hear from you…
LikeLike
Love the food for thought. I find myself on this journey of not worrying what people think and staying true to myself. Tricky business!
LikeLike
I think that’s the hardest part, and trying not to explain and justify… just to do the thing…because others will judge anyway… they usually have already made up their minds !!!
I found Miguel Ruiz’s Second Agreement helpful.. ‘…What others say and do is a projection of their own reality…..when you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering..’
LikeLike
Logically I’ve wrapped my head round it but emotionally it takes a bit longer. The crazy bit or interesting bit is how many of us are on the same journey!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s so hard to separate your self (self) from others, so many want you to be them, for yourself. They want you to put your Self aside and merge into their ideal/belief/want of what your self should be. I find this the hardest thing to accomplish…just being — my Self.
Excellent post, Valerie!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Linda, I agree, and I think it’s a challenge all human beings have to face if they want to grow.. otherwise we go on doing the same old thing. and most people do I think…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wonderful post, Valerie!
LikeLike
Thank you Shirley, so good to know that it’s worked !!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are singing my song!!! The other day I was reading a little of my favourite author, Dr. Seuss, who has been a constant companion since I first met him when I was six.
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!
We must go NOW, in the moment, with every breath we take. Each of us has a story that must be written whether it be in the steps we take, the music we hold dear, the writing, the poetry, the connections, the food, the conversations, the work we do and the families we make.
Thank you, dear Valerie!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Rebecca so good to hear from you. Loved the words from Dr Seuss. My children loved Robert the Rose Horse but were too young to think it interesting when I interviewed Dr Seuss in Hongkong. He was a lovely man, handsome, charming and thoughtful – unlike the other famous doctor I interviewed – Dr Spock – that’s a fascinating story but unprintable – can you libel the dead ????
Wonderful isn’t it, how many of us are taking the high road at this time in history… the blogger whose comment is beneath yours is so typical of so many of us, I feel… humanity is on the march to higher consciousness I think.. in spite of all the tempests around us…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so glad I did not have the time to read this till now. This is exactly what I needed, as I read tears flowed. This, this is what I am trying so hard to find balance with and here you say it. “Stripped”, yes I think that must be it. This is the other side of my most recent poem, one everyone has told me is a bit darker than usual. I didn’t think it was dark when I posted it, but re-reading it, I think maybe they are right.
Vulnerable, yes. Thank you Valerie. Another gift. This is beautifully done and straight to the heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Val, thank you so much for your heart-felt comment. When I read it I felt it would never matter if no-one ever read another thing I wrote, but that this time I had reached the hearts of some of those who need to know that they are in good company, and are not alone.
We do need to know that our experience is part of the conscious raising of mankind, and that there is a purpose to what we are going through. And we need to know that the sun is shining on the top of that mountain we are climbing, and that many others are waiting there.
We are not alone. Go well, good friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A beautiful post, Valerie. Those of us with a questioning soul are continually trying to find and be our true and best self. These past couple of days, watching Pope Francis on his visit to the United States, I’ve been inspired by his simplicity, his wise words, and his love for those who find themselves in his path.
LikeLike
thank you so much… yes, Pope Francis is so inspiring, and sospontaneously loving… a real Christian… and there haven’t been many !!!! He lives up to his name…
LikeLike
Dear Valerie, How great it is to discover you are telling your stories again. Your post is enjoyable and the Rajneesh quote is so true.
Kindest greetings from Paula (remember?), currently living in Ireland.
LikeLike
Dear Paula, how lovely to hear from you… Blogging is a wonderful thing… I’d only been thinking about you and your beautiful sensitive paintings and words, and lo, you appear. Do you love Ireland?
LikeLike
Maybe gratitude is a key–a heart watching for the blessings we do have… “who despises the day of small things?” (Zechariah 4:10)
LikeLike